Olive & Arrow

Dear my friend,

We’ve been left to bear witness to a horrible tragedy on this day. You were stolen from all your friends and family much too soon. We are going to miss you, very dearly.

I’m going to miss you. I would be a liar if I didn’t say it. For the short time you were in my life, we became good friends, and it’s heart wrenching thinking we cannot continue our friendship. You were soon to become one of my best friends. And that is how I’m going I remember you: one of the best friends I’ve ever had. Unfortunately, we could not reap the fruits of such a friendship.

I love you, the way I love all my friends, and all of the people who are important to me in my life. If there was anything I have to be sorry for, it is not telling you how much you meant to me. That will be my one regret that I take away from this tragedy.

You lived by the saying, “everything happens for a reason.” Maybe for me, the reason will be to keep me from not telling people what they mean to me. And another will be to not drink and drive, like many other stories before.

But thank you, Nick, for being a part of my life. I will miss you; I all ready do. You will forever hold a place in my heart.

Not going to lie: I’m a little shocked. Never thought that would happen.

But oh well. Hopefully things will be more…normal…now. Haha.

I can’t decide if my subconscious keeps making me dream about one person as a method to help me just get over it, despite how much it bugs me, or if it’s just because I’m dreaming about what I want to happen. 

A simple conversation is all I’m asking for. I’m tired of dreaming about it. I want it to happen.

Is that so much to ask?

I find myself wanting to drive someplace where no one can find me, and just walk around. I want to go walking through the woods, and climbing rocks, and hiking on trails. 

I find myself wanting to be surrounded by the beauty of nature. I want to let it engulf me, and just give me some peace of mind about things in the grand scheme of life. 

And maybe share it with those important to me in my life.

I’m watching Dexter. 

Ha.

What a week…Or last couple weeks. 

There have been so many things that are just way out of my control happening, and kind of slowly breaking me down. But there are a lot of things I keep screwing up on that I have the option to control. Too bad I seem to make the wrong choice.

I just wish I knew the reasons why some things are changing in my life. I’m pretty sure I deserve that, don’t I? Or, did I secretly become some horrible person that doesn’t deserve anything?

There’s a lot I want to say, about how I wish that he would just show up at my door, or how I wish I would just go talk to him. 

But, if it’s not worth it for him, then it’s pointless for me. I went over at 2:30am for no reason. I got him a gift because I thought it would be nice, and that hopefully he might feel better, physically, afterward. But it didn’t matter. It’s just a worthless piece of paper now. And, I’ll never be able to talk to him, and have him hear what’s in my heart. Just like I’m sure he feels the same way.

And I know as soon as I say it, he’ll just think, “fuck you, that’s been my life for the last however many years,” but what a fucking shitty last 3 days.

And, I know we’ll probably never be friends, because I know we can’t be friends with all of our issues still between us. But I know we’ll never work them out. It’s just not going to happen. The things that need to be done to accomplish that require way too much work, more than, I guess, either of us is willing to put in.

I’ve just resigned to pretend like I don’t care to the best of my ability. I’ll be just like him, in a way, but totally different in another. I can’t fool the world, but, surprisingly, I can fool a lot of people, a lot of the time. We’ll see, I guess.

Goodnight blog that hardly anybody reads. I’m okay with that.